Snack Chat #9: Kombucher?
I hardly know her!
Welcome to Snack Chat, a place where I wax poetic about the candy, chips and other nosh-worthy delights I discover during my weekly grocery store mosey.
Today I’m sharing with you some of my recent kombucha discoveries of which there’s too many to cover in a single issue without being so long winded that I get cut off in your email inboxes (something that apparently happened in Snack Chat #8, so if it sounded like I abruptly ended things last issue be sure to click through and read the full spread!).
Me? Verbose? Funny, I know. And just so you don’t think I’m being paid by Big Kombucha to push the stuff, I’ve even included one that I found absolutely disgusting.
But once upon a time you couldn’t even pay me to drink kombucha, let alone write a 1,600 word love letter about it. Well, that’s probably not true as I think there are only a handful of things I wouldn’t do for money. Raised poor, I guess. However, I did not enjoy my early encounters with the drink, and when Kombucha Lady entered the scene I could really relate to her experience.
Except one day a switch flipped in my brain and I ended up becoming the absolute kombucha fiend that now shrieks into my group chats whenever I find new flavors at the store, even if I’m on vacation and that store is 400 miles away. Not every kombucha is My Thing, but I’ve come a long way from the person that once described it as “effervescent barf” to my then-husband who loved the stuff.
CULTURED GATEWAYS
Often times when I’m trying to convert someone I talk about needing to find their gateway kombucha. The first step is figuring out if you’re a sweet & fruity son or a dry & herbal daughter. But my own gateway kombucha happened to be supercharged with the emotional baggage of 2019, one of the most heartbreaking years of my life when I saw my best friend off the morning she moved across the country; a GT’s Guava Goddess clutched in her hands as she climbed into an Uber to the airport.
So when I was standing in Whole Foods — our Whole Foods — one day and saw those bottles all lined up, the part of me that missed my best friend so much it physically hurt said I had to drink one to feel close to her again, even if she was 2,115.7 miles away; even if it might be absolutely disgoostang.
Who knows, maybe Guava Goddess was always gonna be my gateway. It certainly sits on the fruity spectrum, where I tend to lean (baby wants that JUICE!). But that final memory from our Abbi & Ilana Years was exactly what I needed to push me to actually give it another go.
AND LO THUS THERE WE WERE
I drank more kombucha in 2019 than is probably good for you, and have proudly gone from a knee-jerk skeptic to someone that has dedicated an entire section of their fridge to keeping plenty of the stuff in stock.
Regardless of how I got here or what straight mens’ opinions I sniffed at in the process, I’m here!! Fanaticism doesn’t even cut it — we need a new word to describe the magnetic pull I have towards a cold drink case, hoping to discover new, fizzy treasures promising to do good things to my guts (which is the opposite of most things I eat).
Thanks for reading, and don’t forget to try something you don’t think you like once in awhile! You just might surprise yourself.
GT’s: ISLAND BLISS
RATING: ★★★★☆
P.O.G. lovers rejoice, because that’s exactly what this flavor is. A fizzy blend of passion fruit, orange and guava, my tastebuds are left absolutely gasping for air in the best way possible.
This flavor definitely brings the JUICE, but if you find fruit-centric kombuchas to be too sweet may I suggest power washing the walls of your mouth with this tropical hurricane of tartness? It’s just the thing when I need a lil pep in my step. Because you know the rules around here: it don’t mean a thang if it ain’t got that tang!
HUMM: CHERRY LIMEADE
RATING: ★★★★★
It seems like there’s a deluge of lemon/lime-ade kombucha these days, and if I’m totally honest none of them came even close to truly ringling my dingle, but glory halleloo this one tastes exactly like I expected: deep cherry notes, a zesty aftertaste and delicate carbonation that all gets me clawing at the can for more. I like this flavor so much I’ve paid full price for it — multiple times! — which is saying a lot for a frugal, value hound dog like myself.
The first couple times I bought this flavor I noticed a creamy consistency — like when you get nitro cold brew — that I’m not sure is totally part of the flavor or just due to it rattling around in my backpack. I’m definitely not recommending shaking up your kombucha before opening it but if your walk home from the grocery store is a lil extra jangly? Who knows, could be a good thing.
WILD TONIC: PALOMA
RATING: ★☆☆☆☆
Unlike all the other kombuchas in this issue, Wild Tonic is the only brand that isn’t local to Oregon. Hailing from Arizona, it’s also technically a sparkling jun, which is basically just tea fermented with honey instead of cane sugar. I first saw it when I was in New Mexico back in March where I tried a pretty middle of the road flavor that I enjoyed, but didn’t shriek into any group chats about.
When I was in Humboldt County last month I came across this flavor and after reading the ingredients I knew with absolute certainty not only that I had to try it, but also that I had a 50/50 chance of finding it amazing OR disgusting. See how far I’ve come??? I’m simply in it for the love of the game these days, and I think that’s beautiful.
I actually enjoyed my first couple sips, affirming out loud the merits of smoke in non-savory foods, like some pompous dork. But it took less than 5 minutes before the drink turned to ash in my mouth, and every slurp thereafter tasted murkier than the last. Yes, the offending player was the smoke extract. It was honestly kind of remarkable how much my mouth tasted like a literal ashtray. Once that sensation set in I couldn’t taste any of the other 92 ingredients.
After confirming a few more times that I absolutely hated the experience, I gave it to my friend who said she liked it. And with every sip I kept saying, “Just you wait…!” until she finished the dang thing. I’m willing to believe the possibility that someone would enjoy this drink, but it ain’t for me. I’m giving it one star out of respect for the 2 sips that I did enjoy.
BNF: GRAPE LAVENDER
RATING: ★★★★★
I’d seen these bottles around for awhile but never partook as they are a bit on the expensive side. Though it’s worth mentioning that they — along with GT’s — are a larger volume, coming in at 16 oz versus the standard 14 oz bottle or 12 oz can.
But on a rare trip to a grocery store outside my neighborhood circuit I came across a glorious display of flavors well beyond the measly 4 carried at my usual store and all budgets went out the window. Chai Cider? POMEGRANATE CARDAMOM??? (Tastes litchurally like cream soda, btdubbs.) BNF even makes yerba mate based kombucha, a combination that I’m man enough to admit that I’m much too big of a weenie to try. (Sorry, I enjoy sleeping!)
Likewise, Grape Lavender has the advantage of being unlike any other on the market, at least where I live. The flavors are distinct enough while maintaining subtlety, to the point where I felt the drink got more flavorsome as it sat out instead of fresh out of the cold fridge, where its nuance tends to get lost. And for the extra cherry — er, grape? — on top, it’s made with 100% Oregon grown grapes and lavender.
BREW DR: CHERRY VANILLA
RATING: ★★★☆☆
This flavor is apparently so hot off the presses I can’t even find an official product photo of it, so here you have the exact picture I shrieked into a group chat with when I found it mere days ago at Whole Foods Laurelhurst. It was in the low 90’s and I didn’t even wait for the crosswalk light to change before cracking it open, inflicting more squeals and screeches into my phone. Every pull I thought to myself, “Yeah, that’s the good stuff,” nearly polishing the bottle off before I even got back from my 10 minute journey.
If the aforementioned Cherry Limeade has the upward zip of citrus, this crimson cooler instead arcs into a malty aftertaste reminiscent of cream soda, but without the mouthfeel that I experienced with my shaken not stirred can of humm. Some of last year’s flavors of Brew Dr. just kinda tasted like blank kombucha to me, so I’m happy to report that this one hits all the right notes and will find a spot on my summer roster.
BONUS BREWS
humm: Mango Passionfruit | ★★★★★
BNF: Blueberry | ★★★★☆
BNF: Pomegranate Cardamom | ★★★☆☆
Brew Dr: Crisp Apple | ★★★★☆
Brew Dr: Pink Lemonade | ★★★★☆
Brew Dr: Strawberry Fields | ★★★★★
GT’s: Tangerine Dream | ★★★★★
GT’s: Watermelon Wonder | ★★★★☆
Blue Bus: Citrus Sunrise | ★★★★☆
Juneshine: P.O.G. Hard Kombucha | ★★★★★
No Health-Ades listed on account of the forever chemicals lawsuit plus I always thought they were mid at best, anyway.
Got a candy or snack you want me to review? Drop a comment below or tag me on social media!